how i feel.

"She said, some days I feel like shit,

Some days I wanna quit,

& just be normal for a bit."

- Fort Minor.

gotta have it.

current mood: menudo - my everything.

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"You know its been said that we just don’t realize the significant moments of our lives while they’re happening. We grow complacent with ideas or things or people and we take them for granted, and its usually not until that thing is about to be taken from you that you realize how wrong you’ve been, how much you need it, and how much you love it."

- OTH.

letter: day 7.

to ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush.


dear babe,

i noticed i actually enjoy coming out of my way to do nice gestures for you cos you mean so much to me. before, i never really took the time to make anything for someone or draw random shit for them cos i know i can't draw that well. but for you, i'm willing to do whatever it takes even if it's nearly impossible, just to put a smile on your face. you're that special.

i lalalove you.

♥

photo: day 7.

current mood: rushed.
current song: drake - say what's real.

------

photo(s) of what i enjoy doing.

1) oh yeaaah! kickin' it. yeaaah!

2) slap on that music 24/7.


3) dance; hiphop, contemporary, tahitian/hula, etc.

my idol's dopeee.

4) yeah, you know me. i be spitting rhymes like slim all daaaay. jk.

sing; so i can break your windows, your mama's windows,
your daddy's, just ya whole family's gonna have they windows
shot up when i hit 'em notes.

5) smackin' jamba / starbucks like snoop dogg with weed.


6) being a snorlax.

they should create occupations like sleeping,
taking a nap, going to bed, counting sheep, etc.
cos i do that hecka goooood.

7) shopping.



but besides that, my most favorite of all is....

spending time with my handsome martian hippo. ♥

shoulda known better.

"you should’ve known better than to think I would leave

you should’ve known better than to doubt me

it don’t matter if you are up, matter if you are down

either way im gonna be around

you should’ve known that I would stay by your side

you should’ve known your girl was gonna ride or die

& it just don’t matter if ya rich or poor

out or in doing 5 to 10

you should’ve known better."

you're jealous? so what. i think every guy has that insecurity, some worse than others. i'm afraid of losing you as much you are of me. it doesn't phase me cos i'm certain of the way you are & you bein' like this shows how much you really care. don't push me away and tell me i deserve better when i already found the best. give me a heads up & tell me when you're feelin' whatchu feel so i can reassure you. keep in mind, that i don't see any other guys like i see you. there's no need for me to think of any other options cos you're my first & only choice. so, don't trip. i'ma do whatever do get pass your "demon" side & stand my ground for you cos you're everything to me. i ain't goin' no where. all them niggas out there can suck it cos foreal, they ain't got nothin' on you baby. ♥

what a fail.

current mood: whatevvss.
current song: bow wow ft. t.i. - been doin' this.

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fck manyg. babe imed me & i fckin knocked like 10 minutes before he did. ):< thanks goosh, i am seeing him todaay. (:
yesterday tho... school was same old boring. my mom won't come til later, so i decided to drop by asian club. it was nice reconnecting with people again. too many korean drama crazy girls tho. afterwards, i stepped out, & saw that tahitian was practicing. then, i asked a girl what they were practicing for. & they told me it was for multicultural & auditions were tomorrow. wtf. felt hecka stupid that i ain't known shit about it. so, i tried to learn the routine in a day & even took notes on it. haha. hecka loser status. but hay, gotta do somes since i have no idea how the timing of each move is with the music. auditions is today & i didn't practice at all last night cos i was madd tired. ): i don't really have any high expectations of me making the cut, but i guess it wouldn't hurt to try. wingin' it to the maaax. hope i do okayish.

letter: day 6.

a stranger.


dear stranger,

why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?

......

cos he had no BODY go with.

A HA HA HA.... !

seriously though, i don't know you. you look creeeepy. please don't rape & kill me, i'm too young. but if you do, i would go paranormal activity stats on you, bitchass. thanks.

photo: day 6.

current mood: chillaxxed.

current song: trey songz - love me better.

-------

a photo of someone i love.

misthurrrphi gettin' his mugs on. don't wanna fck wid this nigga with that face. haha.
@ his old apartment [casa de flores?] ayeyeyeaye.  i think he felt sexy cos it ain't one of 'em chinky daaays so he snap posed & ze camera loves that seckuhsi face. oh yeah. <3

can't believe it.

current mood: indescribable.
current song: bei maejor ft drake & jhene aiko - july (part II).

--------

lil bit over a year... couple of months ago, me & you were just plain buddies; nothing special. you didn't really know me, i didn't really know you. however, we both seem to ponder in curiosity of what we were all about. slowly getting to know you. i found myself, just enjoying your company. it's different from any other guy. i guess it's cos your humor compliments mines. like, we instantly clicked. i still have no idea why you're always nervous. sure, fooled me. i never seem to notice. hecka ninja; maskin' that pretty good. gotta work on that lyin' game tho. >;p jk. during our process into good friends/bestfriends [w/e], my perspective of you as this humorous guy grew into someone who was more than a few jokes, but... into someone who was genuine. er... i've always known that. being more knowledgeable of the things you say/do/what you believed in, simply proves it all to be most definite. there was many things in common. ended up confiding in eachother when we gots a situation. i felt completely comfortable pouring my heart to you. [sorry you didn't feel the same. );] then, next thang you know. you was feelin' me, i was feelin' you. & bam. we got together.
i'm still utterly still in awe; whenever we have those talks or moments where we reminisce of the past. makes me wonder is this really foreal? felt like the process of us even encountering was a stroke of luck. like god set up a story for each individual & decided to put ours together. whatever it was... i'm glad it all happened cos i wouldn't trade what we got for the world. ♥

ohana, means nothing.

current mood: fuckthis.
current song: beyonce - listen.
"i'm not at home in my own home."

-------

outkast, thats what i am in this family. i'm labeled as the "bad" kid. alright, i'll give you the credibility to call me that. do you know what i see you guys though? shitty ass parents who don't know how to fckin' handle their own children.
my sister, yeah, i know she does alot for the family. you guys treasure her like gold. but, shit. ever wondered why she can't concentrate on school? why she doesn't want to move back home? you guys depend on her like little babies. even when she moved out, there is still no space. she can't focus on her shit while worrying about yours too. why is it her obligation to pay for your guys' bills, come to take us to our doctor appointments, & when you guys need someone to translate? it should be yours. you guys made us. you deal with it. now, when it's too late,  you finally realize why she still hasn't finished her schooling yet. gee, good job. & my brother, tha fck happened to him? he shouldn't have dropped out. he should be going to school right now. you guys let him slip though. catering to his ass, cos you're scared of his temper? that's plain bullshit. he's unstable, & you're letting his condition get worse by not seeking any help. despite, all that though, you guys still choose to forgive them both regardless; sucking up your pride for them in the end. standing up for them. but me? i don't get that. there's always a fckin' grudge that i gotta deal with. it's like all the pent up anger, you guys choose to put it on me. fcked up, foreal.
i try to be exceptionally good; i do my shit, i go to school like you guys want me to. that ain't enough for you guys tho. plus, i don't receive any kind of support. don't fckin' take me to school on god damn time. gotta wake your ass up to pick me up. you should already be watchin' the clock for my dismissal. i ain't your fckin' alarm clock. then, you got a nerve to have a tantrum for me waking you up? you guys trip so bad when i miss a day of school, but your actions don't say the same. really, what's the point? something is always up.
tired of your traditional asses. how you think your way of thinking is completely accurate. sorry i didn't live in your guys' generation. you don't know me, not one bit. you just judge everything solely on my exterior. however, you even got that wrong. i'm a slut cos a wear shorts? do you not know how hot it is outside nowadays? it's not like its 50 degree weather, raining hard as hell, & i'm still slappin' on my shorts. uh no. you act like i'm the only girl in the world that dresses like that. ya'll don't even got the right to trip about that. go to fckin' school with me one time & you'll see wsup.
if you didn't know, respect is a fckin' two way street. you expect it but i don't give it cos it's always one big dead end with you guys. yelling at me for absolutely nothing. thinking these low methods of restriction by trapping me in this stupid house is going to make me stay & be a good kid? fuck no. it makes things worse & takes the whole meaning of a place called home into a jail cell. mind as well just take my ass to jail then, shit.
when something does go down. i'm always fighting my own battles.one of the things that i yearned for is to have a  connection with a sibling where i'm certain i can confide in them for my problems, updates in my life, chill, & most importantly got my back without my consent to do so. nuh uh, not in this family. gotta take my own mothafckin' bullets.
obviously, it's a no go with my brother since my parents kiss his ass. & my sister, i fckin' love her to death. my parents already be puttin' her up on the pedestal but i got my own for her. take in my part; always keeping everything confidential. when they ask about somes. i lie. when they make up a bad assumption. i deny it. when they judge. i argue. but, whenever i got the situation where i need back-up... some cases, i get it, others i don't. there are incidences in the past where opinions were agreed on & things that weren't supposed to be said, got put out in the open. no, i didn't appreciate it one bit. since i always be covering up for you. why can't you do the same for me? just makes me reconsider about the information i should give out. which is not what i want at all.
whatever, though. life is life. it is what is is. like babe said, you can't choose the family that you have, or the life that you want. always known that. but damn, fuck this bullshit.

spending time is hopeless.

"And know I pop bottles 
'cuz I bottle my emotions.

At least I put it all in the open."

- Drake

this ain't coo.

current mood: busaaaybee.
current song: bobby valentino - slow down.

-------

FINALS WEEK IS DUMB FUCKSHIT.

okay, i guess i deserve the load of work for missing a week. yes, i was anticipating it. but this shit is too much. why the hell would you plan a unit test on finals week & a project for me to do? that's retarded. you all expect me to get it done before finals which is basically everything today? wow. i'm ready to drop out & sell pho already. this is bootsy. -_-

oh fckin' well. guess i gotta go beastmode tonight. hopefully everything gets done before my sleepy time kicks in.

what else! why do freakin' people decide to do everything on the 30th of October?
i already planned to go to six flags with boothang & vi dizzles for fright fest. but i ain't sure anymore. gotta homegirl's birthday dinner/scary movie night aboutta go down. & key club dance. plus other shit, i forgot. damn tho, crazy. what else is gonna pop up?

p.s. thanks for going out of your way to cheer me up yesterday babe. even though, i specifically told you NOT to. you still did. look at how crazy low your gas went! wouldn't have happened if you staaayed home. ): i'm sorry you had to wake up early in the morning to drop me off at school. it was so difficult. sleeping feels too good in the morning. you're amazing though. i love youu so much, you don't even knooooooow. ♥

motivation... ?

current mood: fail.
current song: gorilla zoe ft. lil wayne - lost.
"i need a clue before i run out of time."

-------

1) finals this week... what the fuck.

i woke up with a mad headache this morning, so after waking up babe, i brushed/showered & all that. then, layed down afterwards. fuck my life. i shouldn't have cos it drifted me to sleep. now, i'm awake. sitting here thinkin'... what the fuck am i doing with my life? i was coo at first, i had a set goal to graduate... why do i keep repeating my same habit tho, missing days of school to miss it, thinking i can catch up when i lay it off for sooner or later when that always doesn't come for me. school should be everything. not everyone has the benefit of a free education, & i'm wasting it. i just don't know right now. i really want my life to go somewhere. i try to lead it in a good path, but i feel like i'm running into a buncha dead ends.
is it socially? the people at school.... everyone seems so shady now. fights come off every week, about this & that. people gossiping, rumors around every corner. me not being able to meet anyone new since i'm afraid they'll leave me like the rest. or is it just me? i know i can't be the old me. i've changed. i've matured. maybe, the old tam, gets along with others more swell. maybe she is more out there. everything just seems so redundant to me now. so predictable. i gotta group. but are they really going to be in my big picture? or just someone i'd kickit with my senior year, and once it's over, they pass by.
is it my family? is it how corrupt we are? are my parents, bad parents? i got a dad who's a workaholic. a mom who's home all the time, & isolates herself from the world due to trust issues. they tell us school should be everything. but when they try to control the situation, it goes out of hand. my older sister decided to take a long break from school to just work a part-time job for money, & my brother got too addicted to his computer games which caused him to drop out to do absolutely nothing. then again... why is there so much pressure on my sister & not my brother. okay, he's the only boy of the family? who gives a shit. if i had a dick between my legs, would i get the same benefit not to care? why are you scared of him anyways? let him walk over both of you. letting him be babied his whole life. he's fuckin' 18 now for your information.
i guess, my lack of motivation comes from the amount of support i receive. which is none. i want a family that can attend to all my ceremonies/performances. but every time i look in the crowd, i see no one. yeah, you guys tell me, school is priority. however, when i don't do what i'm supposed to for a split second, all of the sudden i get immediately punished & labeled? where is the support? makes me want to give up even more.

what am i doin'?
shit, i don't fuckin' know.

letter: day 5.

my dream(s).

dear dream,

why were you so hard to pursue? ): when i was a little girl i had a lot & i hoped, that one day, i can make these lingering thoughts into a reality. however, everything can't work out when there wasn't any backbone to begin with. no, it can't. i didn't receive any support, or i could've, but nothing in life is free. & coming from where i was, where a meal could barely be brought up... it was a problem. so, i simply let your existence fade away. now, i realize that time is our greatest enemy. it's too late for me to bring you back up again like i wanted to. sure, i can put hard work into it if my eyes were still set on it. but at this point in time, i have to do whatever to support myself. i don't got time for a dream. the best i can do is just part-time hobby. all i gotta say now is that, i'm sorry for not being able to reach you. good-bye, dream.

photo: day 5.

current mood: beeeat.
current song: drake ft. lil wayne - brand new (remix)
"feels like i'm in crazy competition with the past."

------

a photo of my bestfriend(s).



@ my old house tryna to attempt to make a music cover... but it all turned out hecka whaaack. LOL. damnnn, middle school/frosh tho? we be looookin' heeeeeckaaa huuuurt. wtf are we wearing! HAHA. does our face actually look like thaat? shit, i fckin' miss you dude.


@ Lawson's Landing camping w/ christina around July 23-25ish? too freakin' cold as helllll. tent is straight whack. chilled in babe's warm ass car while the rest of the group was at the dock fishin' for some crabs. snap pose snap pose all day. ain't he cute tho?

are you feelin' alright babe?
no... i'm cold & sandy. but it's all dandy, since i'm with tammy.
and... we're holding handys?
♥

you're it.

"Maybe, I know somewhere deep in my soul that love never lasts. & we've got to find other ways to make it alone, or keep a straight face. & I've always lived like this, keeping a comfortable distance. & up until now, I've sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness because none of it was ever worth the risk. Well, you are the only exception."

- Paramore

letter: day 4.

my sibling (or closest relative).

dear chi hanh,

gosh... i remember back in the day. we was like strangers living in the same house. i don't even know why, i guess i had this thing where i felt like i can't get along with people older than me so i just kickited with the brehbreh. but you did make me curious, when there were questions, i always came to you to answer them. "sister, what kind of butt do you have?!" LOL. not cool bein' this confused ass child. as i got older though, i had the urge to just kickit witchu. especially since breh gone hecka whack gettin' attached to the computer. our bond initially started off as me being the ideal little sis & tending to your needs. such as microwavin' or toasting you some food to eat & gettin' you beverages. aren't i nice? eventually, you let me watch TV with you too with your MTV/VH1 all day. i had to admit, i got lonely when you went out with your friends all the time at night. & i dunno, but i developed this paranoid feeling that you won't come back. so, i'd wait late at night til you actually came home & heard you come in your room since it was rite next to mines; for me to sleep soundly. later on, once you transferred to davis, you moved out. that was when it got real lonely. & we got a little distant too since our relationship hasn't really developed into anything. it wasn't until i went to highschool that we slowly got closer & connected on deeper levels since i understand things more. now, we're pretty tight. you have went through alot in your life, & you're now wise beyond your years. although, sometimes i think our differences seem to clash with one another. it's all good tho, we bluhd. i hate how you don't visit the house as often as before since parents are hecka whaack bein' up in your jock & recently, you're confused on the direction of where your life is headin' towards at the moment. i just hope it all gets better for you cos you deserve the best. thanks for everything you've done for me & the rest of the fam. i dunno what i'd do without you. love you a bunch sis. couldn't replace you for any other sister in the world. fasho. (:

photo: day 4.

current mood: itchy & sratchaay.
current song: the dream - up out my face.

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a photo of me as a baby.



ewuh. who's that ugly baby? yeah... either, am i too fat... or i can't walk yet since my sista sistaaa is holdin' me up. ): but  we matching. LOL. gotta bring this back one day. ♥

hopefulness.

current mood: taeyang - i'll be there (english verison)

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"Forgive people, forgive yourself. Be kind to everyone you meet. When you love, never stop. Give without expecting anything back. Appreciate what you have and take care of those who love you. Lose the regrets. Remember the good times. Believe that better things happen after the bad. Have faith in God. Have faith in yourself. Always.
Now smile. (:"

- Pauline P.