motivation... ?

current mood: fail.
current song: gorilla zoe ft. lil wayne - lost.
"i need a clue before i run out of time."

-------

1) finals this week... what the fuck.

i woke up with a mad headache this morning, so after waking up babe, i brushed/showered & all that. then, layed down afterwards. fuck my life. i shouldn't have cos it drifted me to sleep. now, i'm awake. sitting here thinkin'... what the fuck am i doing with my life? i was coo at first, i had a set goal to graduate... why do i keep repeating my same habit tho, missing days of school to miss it, thinking i can catch up when i lay it off for sooner or later when that always doesn't come for me. school should be everything. not everyone has the benefit of a free education, & i'm wasting it. i just don't know right now. i really want my life to go somewhere. i try to lead it in a good path, but i feel like i'm running into a buncha dead ends.
is it socially? the people at school.... everyone seems so shady now. fights come off every week, about this & that. people gossiping, rumors around every corner. me not being able to meet anyone new since i'm afraid they'll leave me like the rest. or is it just me? i know i can't be the old me. i've changed. i've matured. maybe, the old tam, gets along with others more swell. maybe she is more out there. everything just seems so redundant to me now. so predictable. i gotta group. but are they really going to be in my big picture? or just someone i'd kickit with my senior year, and once it's over, they pass by.
is it my family? is it how corrupt we are? are my parents, bad parents? i got a dad who's a workaholic. a mom who's home all the time, & isolates herself from the world due to trust issues. they tell us school should be everything. but when they try to control the situation, it goes out of hand. my older sister decided to take a long break from school to just work a part-time job for money, & my brother got too addicted to his computer games which caused him to drop out to do absolutely nothing. then again... why is there so much pressure on my sister & not my brother. okay, he's the only boy of the family? who gives a shit. if i had a dick between my legs, would i get the same benefit not to care? why are you scared of him anyways? let him walk over both of you. letting him be babied his whole life. he's fuckin' 18 now for your information.
i guess, my lack of motivation comes from the amount of support i receive. which is none. i want a family that can attend to all my ceremonies/performances. but every time i look in the crowd, i see no one. yeah, you guys tell me, school is priority. however, when i don't do what i'm supposed to for a split second, all of the sudden i get immediately punished & labeled? where is the support? makes me want to give up even more.

what am i doin'?
shit, i don't fuckin' know.