cloudy.

current mood: faaaaat.

current song: go go power rangers - tippin' on my dick.

--------

i'm in davis for spring break. 

it doesn't even feel like spring weather, still winterish.
super moody; the rain's on and off.

its cool though cos i'm with my sister & myles!

we got phi his sundae & some in-n-out cos he had a long day. :)

we're so nice.

oh yeaaaaah.

forgive & forget.

for why?

current mood: speechless.
current song: maroon 5 - she will be loved.

-------

i finally got out of bed at 3 & took a shower. then afterwards i went to go eat while my mom was in the kitchen also. we began conversating and i'm glad it didn't turn into an argument like it usually does. she just told me the stories about how my dad was before, and i'm really disappointed. since, whenever my mom would tell me. i would deny that my dad would do such things. now, that i understand everything more. i asked her explanations to why this, why that.  i always thought it was my mom's fault for all those dreadful arguments with my dad in the past, but now i know it isn't completely her fault.
i remember once the arguments started. my dad would go all out; breaking the dishes, antiques shattered, & turning off the electricity. then tried kicking my mom and my siblings out of the house. it was bad. & i would always go to my older sister and brother crying my eyes out and wondering why this was all happening. why is my dad like this? why are they arguing? i was young, i didn't understand at all.
& as i slowly began to grow older. i would sit hearing how the arguments would start, especially during dinner time. it was initiated by my mom who wouldn't keep her mouth shut about things. so i started to blame her. & accused her of being stupid about the nonsense she would say about my dad cheating. who knew, it was all true. also, how abusive my dad was to her and my siblings. he would always choose his own side of the family over his self-made one. he bruised up my mom because of them. & i lost my first older brother because of them. never realizing that they were just using him. finally, after our second house got bankrupted, & they didn't help for crap. it took that to open his eyes that they really are not there for him.
there's also... this story about my brother. i wasn't born yet. but we were living in apartments back then. my mom was driving with my brother in the backseat but he couldn't stop crying because his tooth was hurting. so my mom lost focus on the road to tell my brother to "stop crying, it's okay when we get home." unfortunately, the police trailed her, and marked her down for a ticket. she came home, and told my dad about the news. he got furious; started to kick my brother like a ball where he was huddled in a corner taking blows from my dad. confused, to as why he was getting beat for. it took my older sister to come in and stop him. otherwise, i think he would've been beaten up to death considering that fact that my brother was small... he was only two and a half... three? she asked my dad why was he hitting him? & then picked up my brother and carried him to her room. all this for a ticket... really?
& know.... how my ribs stick out? its because... when i was younger... i had a habit of crying nonstop before i would sleep. it angered my dad one day. so he hit my ribcage. & my mom noticed that my rib bones started to stick out. she got frightened so she took me to the hospital to see if i was okay. i'm okay.
ugh, there's soo much more... im just... trying to absorb it all in. but, wow foreals? what the heck, dad. :(
now, i'm starting to understand why my mom is the way she is. she's crazy. but all the craziness that was bestowed on her was from hurt. hurt, by my own dad. & she would always be strong as she could be, trying hard to keep everything to herself. sucking it in. so my dad wouldn't be mad... so he wouldn't leave... to provide for my siblings, for us to become something in life.
so, mom. i love you. i'm sorry for being a horrible daughter. for arguing with you. being disrespectful. i didn't mean to. anger just gets the best of me, sometimes. but despite that, you're truly a great mom. thank you for everything. <3

yum.

current mood: craving....
current song: lisa shaw - grown apart.

------

i wish we can feed ourselves offa pictures.

you're a jerk.

current mood: smug.
current song: sean kingston ft. justin beiber - eenie meenie.

-------

this weekend was gooodsies. (:

friday;
i went to a park as planned, accompanied by Phi and Myles since they were bored also. first, we went to the ballin' park. we went on the swings & competed on who can swing the highest. but then i fell off them in attempt to save my phone which slipped from my hands. it was pretty embarrassing. it's all gravy, baby. i saved my phone. oh yeah. <3 then, after the swinging phase was over, we went over to cow park. they tried to get me "fudged" up on the merry go round. but HA, didn't work. backfired, again. sorry guys. ;) try harder next time. since it was getting dark, the park was not the place to be at. so, we called up some friends to see what they're up to. everyone had random plans which we're not interested in. therefore, we just waited for our good friend Tami to be done with whatever she's doing so we can visit her instead since we haven't seen each other in YEARS. i missed her. ): while waiting, we stopped by Rite-Aid to get some icecream, since Phi was craving for some. Myles didn't get any, because he's too cool or something. in the meanwhile, we decided to walk around the Nugget Market, which i never been inside before. it's pretty clean, i must say. :)
after that, Tami finally responded so we visited her. she invited us into her house. & it felt nice, like old times. we chilled & watched this show about parasites since its like, Phi's most favorite show ever on his spare time. then, Tami made us some Ling Ling Dim Sum since we were hungry, which was super goood. but i was disappointed in myself because i realized that it was Friday and there's meat inside it after i swallowed a bite. i'm SORRY god. ): i'll make it up to a week later, promiseee. & then, i wanted some coffee so Tami and I decided to make some. & we make a bomb team. :) finna open that cake/bakery one day forsure.
with being so indecisive with our plans, we finally settled down to follow whatever Tami was going to do. she had plans for bowling at country club since it had an all night special. we left the house when we were finished with drinking coffee. Tami had to pick up some other people so we just followed her. arriving at country club, we met up with eachother & waited for our appointment to bowl at 11:30 which changed to 11:45 because they're haters. anways, we played four rounds of bowling. i sucked the first time while everyone else was on a roll. then, after that first round, i started to get the feel of it, and bowled up to their levels. on the fourth round, everyone was tired. so when that was over, we called it a night and made our way back home.

saturday;
pretty lazy at first. i spent most of my day being a little snorlax since i've been lacking sleep due to school. i woke up and went back to sleep at random times. around 6, i was fully awakened when i received texts from my friend Nate & Stephen who wanted to hang out. i wasn't sure if i was in the mood to. so then, i texted up Myles to see what he's up to. he was at Phi's house & they were having their own fun gaming since Phi finally bought his dearly beloved PS3 which they both longed for. but, they supposedly "missed" me. so we tried to plan something to do for about three hours over text. crazy finger workout. we were very indecisive since peoples' plans doesn't sound cool enough for us. but we were bored so we just settled for what the gangsterrs were up to around 11 o' clock. all they did was play beerpong in a garage. after awhile, i guess they got bored there. so we changed it up to a different house which had more people. however, since people were being retarded. we went back to the first house with our friend Stephen, Nate, & Eric.
just chillin. until, the jerking song came on & i decided to teach Phi how to jerk jerk jerk since i promised him i would. Myles and some other people also helped. & in the matter of ... some time, we finally transformed Phi into an official jerk jerk jerk. it was the best accomplishment ever. proud of you Phi Van Ho. :) after that, we just watched people play beerpong. time zoomed by, it was getting late in the night so we dipped. & they accidentally forgot to take me home since i was too quiet in the back. so we just went to Phi's and watched Myles play games til we passed out.

good start of Spring Break. :)
i don't wanna be home right now though.
where the heck is my sista sistaaa .
RawwR . ._.

love like .

"i want a love as unexplainable as she is."

breezy.

current mood: relieved.
current song: git fresh - she be like.

-------

it's SPRING BREAK; weathers beautiful! :)
the week went kinda... slowish. school was boring as ever. i'm happy that it's freakin' friday already! no one seems to be doing anything but going home to sleep. square bears. :/ but i'm surprisingly not tired today. i blanked out at hula practice for P.I.C though, & given 7 tickets to sell for luwow. let's see if i can find some people to sell them to. too bad, they don't give free t-shirts anymore.
there's supposed to be a goodbye party for my other friend who's moving to arizona tonight. i'm not sure if i'm in the mood to go since i know everyone's going to be drunk & i'm TRYING to be sober for awhile. what's up with me and college kids? bad influences! im jkay. sad, seems like everyones moving away. )': oh wells.
right now, i'm kinda in the mood to just wander off outside & find a park to chill at after i do some laundry. hopefully... i don't get lost, since i don't know crap on my neighborhood. but we'll see whats up buttercup. ;)

thinking of you.

current mood: empty.

--------



Katy Perry - Thinking Of You (Cover)

Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one
I still got the seed

You said move on
Where do I go
I guess second best
Is all I will know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes

You're like an Indian summer
In the middle of winter
Like a hard candy
With a surprise center
How do I get better
Once I've had the best
You said there's
Tons of fish in the water
So the waters I will test

He kissed my lips
I taste your mouth
He pulled me in
I was disgusted with myself

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into...

You're the best
And yes I do regret
How I could let myself
Let you go
Now the lesson's learned
I touched it I was burned
Oh I think you should know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Oh won't you walk through
And bust in the door
And take me away
Oh no more mistakes
Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay...

& that's life.

current mood: weary.
current song: august - clocks stop.

-------

"You can choose to blame your circumstances on fate, bad luck, wrong choices, or you can fight back. Things aren't always going to be fair in the real world. That's just the way it is. But for the most part, you get what you give. The rest of your life is being shaped right now. With the dreams you chase, the choices you make, and the person you decide to be. The rest of your life is a long time. And the rest of your life starts right now."
 - OTH

what if...

current mood: ponderous.
current song: the dream ft. rihanna - livin' a lie.
"baby, because we're out here livin' a lie."

-------

let it out.

current mood: blank.
current song: 4tune - just let it go.

------

"Sometimes you need to cry it all out, break down, and just tear apart. Learn how to pick yourself up and put yourself back together. The only way to be happy is to give into sadness first. Because without sadness, there's no happiness; you would never learn how to smile."

cooool beans.

current mood: jaded.
current song: gucci mane ft. usher - spotlight.

------

GOOD MORNING.
i can sure use some jamba right now.
im exhausted.
& recently...
i got phi and myles to blog.
they're under the influence of a 6th grader.
awesoooooooome blossooomm. <3
"muahahaha." >:)

whatcha do to me.

it's so hard to get

you outta my system.

don't get it twisted.

current mood: confused?
current song: johnta austin - one time for love.

------

reaalllyyy though, don't say i love you unless you mean it. i'm tired of people using that word so constantly that it ends up being just like any other ordinary word. especially, when i hear that it's being said within the first day or week, & to top it off, they add on FOREVER. when it barely ends up lasting up to three months. are you foreal? obviously, you guys don't know each other as well as you thought you did since it didn't end up lasting long. when you supposedly KNOW someone, theres a HUGE level of trust and understanding. & without that being established there comes the result of a crashing relationship. then afterwards when it ends, people mope about it like it's the end of the world and wonder why it didn't work out like you expected to be. obviously, you were never in love, but in DEEP LUST. by thinking that every relationship you're getting into is going to be a fairytale where there's a happily ever after; you're just going to hurt yourself even more by being so vulnerable that every little problem is like another piece of your heart being taken away. so please, wait to say those three words when YOU KNOW that the relationship is stable. no conflicts. no complaining. no hurt. just love. love is the only thing in the world that does not hurt. it'll mean so much more. think about it, are you truly happy with that person? if not, sweetheart, i hate to break it to you, but you're not in love.

awkward turkey!

current mood: chipper.
current song: lady antebellum - i need you now.

------

Hi,
Myles Joseph Layug has a hecka cool room.
Phi Van Ho likes the cars, the clothes, i supposeee .

so, let me tell you.
today, pretty eventful? i went to run errands with phi.
since, he got my msg wrong. cos hes a little snorlax.
he deposited his money in the baaank.
& i got him in on my five finger discount for earrings at kohls. ;)
next, we went to the stockton blvd. area to get his allergy meds.
but, that meanie made me self conscious about my chin.
"tam, you have a butt chin. HAHAH."
"what really? is it noticeable?!"
"no, its just like a little butt."
"whaaaaaat? so thats where the rest of my ass went."
LOL. geeeez, thanks phi. ):
then afterwards... we went to eaaat at Pho Saigon.
& he sucks on his noodles, fast. while i'm "taking it slooow."
we had a smoothie race, which we tied.
then, went to myles' house & experienced his cloud bed.
CHILLED. i can't pronounce remember. >:(
tried taking a nap eventually, but didn't work out that much.
my cough randomly came back. SORRY guys. lol.
i made a promise to them last year that i would wash their cars.
who knew, it would've came true today.
one thing checked off our list.
it loooooks super fuh fuh fresh now. :)
GOOD DAY. <3

la la luv drunk.

current mood: cheerful.
current song: grind ft. pleasure p. - da weekend.

------

school is tomorrow. i wish break would start already. i have a crapload of essays. :(
the weekend was pretty bomb. i wish i can repeat it again.
too bad, times usually never on one's side.
i had my junior prom, though.
getting ready was chaotic, i made a tornado in my room.
but it was worth it. i had fun. :)
usually, people would eat out before, but no... i chose mcdonalds. cos im fat.
my date thought it was an hour earlier so he rushed. oh wells.
it was in downtown at the Masonic Temple Office. pretty nice.
me & my date rocked pink. >:) & took portrait pics.
i danced nonstop. & only took 2 min breaks in between to get water.
best 4 hour workout of my life. <3
I LOVE YOU PHI AND MYLES! :) for helping me pick out a dress.
& that darn zipper in the back. haha.
then... after prom, i went to my friends good-bye party in davis.
there, i just drank myself silly.
5-6 rounds of double shots. so... i think it equals 10-12?
i danced constantly some more afterwards.
who knew, my freak came out.
standing uppp , all the way to the floor. ;)
i'm happy that im not a negative drunk tho.
however, after a couple of songs... the drink started to kick in.
started feelin woozaay & yakked it out.
so nasty. but i think, SOME people, were satisfied.
they reached their ultimate goal.
"it's a celebration, clap clap bravo." lol.
i had the worst hangover of my life though.
i barely remember anything... er... i remember most of it.
it's all graaavy . x)
we'll miss you vi. have fun in japan, where they kill dolphins. )':

press play.

current mood: jubilant.
current song: kris allen - live like we're dying.

--------



& r e p e a t. <3

you with the face.

why,

do you like me?

beaaastin' .

current mood: influenced.
current song: mike poser - you don't have to go.

-------



THE COMPANY; sooo amazing.
they received so many honors from dance world wide.
i love them. <3
especially, shaun evariesto & aimee lucas!
miraculous collab.
they are such an adorable couple & dance icons.
i wanna learn from them hecka bad.
hopefully, one day, foooosuuure! :)

where's the sun?

current mood: pretty tired. & i have ugly bags. ):
current song: clazziquai - chocolate truffles.


-------


Good Morning World. (:
want to know something?
i always wanted to own a coffee shop since i was little.
its one of my silly dreams. 
but it'll happen someday.
<3

sometimes...

current song: lights - drive my soul.

------

"Sometimes I feel like there’s a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there’s a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing… I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don’t know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don’t want to believe it but, there is no man. Only that moon."

- Sally Owens [Sally’s letter to Gillian]

i can't count z's.

current mood: inconstant.
current song: lloyd ft. twista - bad girl.

------

geeez, i was so sleepy earlier. but now, i can't even sleep. ): but i guess it's alright since school has a reverse minimum day schedule due to cahsee testing. so, pretty laid back weekish. i hate the time change. i get sleepier now. the weathers getting hotter by the day also. i miss the coldness. but the feel of the warmth is somewhat similar to last years. it makes me think about how things have changed. but.. in a good way. x)
junior prom is this Saturday. i'm kinda excited but worried at the same time since i still need to go find a dress and all. i bought my heels today with my mom... but now i want to return it. i only picked it because she was being a jerk and rushing me. i ain't feelin em at all. good thing, my date isn't so... rushed with it. he's willing to procrastinate with me. :) nice guy. he bought me a dozen roses just to ask me out to prom. so... i couldn't really deny his request. i never received a bouquet of roses before. sad, how he's ONLY my date, and he got me roses. i felt like i disappointed him though; he was expecting to ask me as a surprise but i knew beforehand. ;p thats what he gets. i'm good at guessing people if there are... clues. >:)


“You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses.”

stfu.

current mood: pugnacious.
current song: drake - fear.

------

dear daddy and mommy,

you say you love me? that's not the case. maybe i'm not a good enough daughter to you. but to me, you're not good enough to be my parents. you say all this crap like you know me like the back of your hand. but all you do is make up shit and judge me as if what you say were true. & every bit of what you say is always right. but really, you don't know me at all & you'll never understand me as a person, or as a daughter. you go by all these morals that you say you respect but you're always against them. then to make it seem like the worst thing, you throw God into the whole mix. how can you say that you guys are truly Catholic when you don't even fucking go to church every Sunday. you don't pray everyday. you don't even know when the important dates such as Ash Wednesday and Easter are, & you don't even know how to sacrifice for lent. so please, get this through both of your stubborn heads. you're not Catholic. i know both of you look down on me. & you say you wish i was never born and hope that i get run over by a car & just die already. alright, i'll accept that. the only thing holding me back from leaving both of you is school. otherwise, i really don't need you either. one more year and a half to go. i'll be gone. & make your wish come true. we can go on without knowing each other. then you can say i got run over by a damn car. you know, i love you to death as my parents. but right now, thinking about it, i've felt that i love the existence of having both parents. some kids don't have any. you can say i'm blessed. lucky, i have my material things, roof under my head, food to eat. but i've always felt like i'm missing a complete family. i always wanted cousins, aunts, uncles, family reunions, vacations. especially on the holidays where i hear that all my friends are spending time with their families. i don't have that. i never had that. & i wish i did know what it feels like, to have a warmth of a family. it's just usually me, by myself. you both don't even communicate with me. & when we do. it doesn't turn out good. so whats the point of me being home stuck with both of you? locking me up in this fucking house where it just feels like i'm alone. won't make me stay home. makes me want to run even more. the only people who understand me are my sister and my friends. you won't understand that because you both never had any true friends. so shut the fuck up because you DON'T know me, at all. thanks.

& God, im so sorry. for breaking the word of my lent right now. for cussing. i'm sorry. but dang... God, im so tired of this. i'm so tired of them. so tired of being here. :/

feeeeeeelin it.

current mood: good good.
current song: r. kelly - ignition (remix).

------

i missed two days of school. ):
i went to the doctors yesterday.
all they did was give me medicine that i already have.
& my doctor didn't really help me out but remind me that i keep getting prettier.
siiiiiiiiiiiike!
he's freakin' weird.
but, thank you, god. :)
i muuuch feel better today & my stupid cough is going away.
but i still don't have much of an appetite since i spend my nights yakking it all out.
i don't know how people go bulimic. its gross.


this reminds me of how useless my doctor is...

just right.

current mood: agitated.
current song: cute is what we aim for - curse of curves.

------

"Who wants the perfect guy? Not me. I don’t want anyone perfect. I don’t want anyone normal, thats just boring. I want someone weird. I want someone unpredictable. I want someone who lets things slide and who loves to laugh and makes me laugh. I want someone who will be crazy about me, and isn’t afraid to let everyone know it. I want him to be able to tell me to shut the hell up when I am bugging him. I want someone who challenges me, in every way. I want someone who puts up with my shit, but isnt a pushover. I want someone who pisses me off, but I can never be mad at. But perfect? That’s one thing I never want. Maybe just perfect for me."

yeah, boyeee.

current mood: indifferent.
current song: omarion ft. lil wayne - i get it in.

-------

oooooh my lord.
my throat, really, really, really, hurts.
im tired of coughing.
i felt so crappy at tahitian pract earlier. x_x
uuuuuuuugh,

on the good note.
today, was gender bender day for spirit week. my most fav day to dress up! (x
i thought it was tuesday, but no, it was TODAY.
i was mad; but then i called my mommy to drop off my clothes.
thank you PHI HO, for letting me inside your pants... shirt... hat... too. ;) haha.
it was comfortable. :) just slouching in class, & letting my pants hang low.
it's sad, how there were only a few people who remembered.
so this year was not that crackin, for the gender bender. :/
but i had, girls, hit on me. it was kinda, awkwaaaaaaaard.
they touched my "pecks." and grabbed my crotch! )x
i liked doing that, "hand shake" to guys, though.
i got, hecka propssssss.
"aaaaaaaaye, look at this G right here?!"
"i like yo swag."
"looooooookin' good, son."
"i would go gay for you."
"who's this sexy guy?"
geez, thanks man(s). LOL.

sleepyhead.

current mood: irritated.
current song: chris brown - go away.

-----

finally, its the weekend. i lost so much sleep procrastinating this week. i think i bombed on my finals yesterday for animal anatomy & animation, i barely knew anything. math was pretty easy, & my final for english was a speech which i passed with flying colors. :) surprisingly, my nerves never got the best to me. i was probably to tired to be nervous.
but geeez, i wish i can sleep though. i WANT to sleep soo bad, but i can't because of this stupid cough that won't leave me aloooone. ):
i can't even soothe it with medicine or anything. x_x i feel like my throat will combust sooner or later if this continues. NOT COOL.
i got frustrated, & decided to take my anger out on baking.
UGH. i keep burning the bottom of the muffins. who knew 2 more minutes would burn them. i should've just taken them out when they were whiter.
jdksaldsasj; i'm sad. ._.

gravity.

"set me free, leave me be,
i don't wanna fall another 
moment into your gravity."


- sarah bareilles.

already?!

current mood: perplexed.
current song: ciara - click flash.

------

THURS; period 1 & 2
FRI; period 3 & 4

i like the fact that we get early dismissal.
but, omgosh. not ready for the exams tho. :/

cough cough.

current mood: drained.
current song: drake ft. timbaland - say something.

-------

so. i've been having cough attacks recently since the weekend. i don't even know how or why. it lasts for about an hour or so & medicine/cough drops doesn't seem to cut it. i can't even sleep now because of it. i hope it's not anything serious because i know i'm not sick forsure... ):

guys are surfers, girls are waves.

Guys are all surfers in the ocean of love. Guys go out — packin’ 6, 8, some even 10 or 12. Some guys go looking for big ones, the ones with the big pipes that they can get into… Other guys just like enjoying their company and cruise. Some guys go after every single wave they see; Others wait for the right ones. Sometimes they wait for the waves; Sometimes they ride one and catch the next one going by.


As for Girls? We’re the waves the guys go after. Waves, like girls, come in all different sizes. Some are big, some are small. Some are tall, some are short. But waves, again like girls, tend to behave differently… Some like to swallow you up, and some spit you out. But usually, the guy won’t be able to realize how they behave until it’s way too late.


Trying to surf the right wave is like trying to find the right girl. You see one from afar, and the closer and closer you get to it the more you start to notice if it’s the right one for you. Sometimes you take a chance and it’s not all you expected it to be. Other times they’ll look good, and when you go for em, you find out they’re not all that great. Sometimes more than one guy can go for a wave… Other times no one will.


Then there are the ones that get away… First you paddle and go hard for it, but you can never catch it. Someone else gets that wave, leaving you to only watch and wonder. Then there are the perfect ones. The ones you stay with for a long time. Everything at that point is good. You’re cruising, just enjoying every part of it like nothing in the world matters but you and that wave.


And then you see it fall apart. It just stops. You don’t really know what happens; It just falls apart. Eventually the relationship just has to abandon ship. After that, some guys leave for a bit. They don’t want anything to do with waves, especially if they go down hard. Then there are some guys who just decide to brush it off and go back out looking.


But plain & simple… Guys are like surfers; Girls are like waves.