for why?

current mood: speechless.
current song: maroon 5 - she will be loved.

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i finally got out of bed at 3 & took a shower. then afterwards i went to go eat while my mom was in the kitchen also. we began conversating and i'm glad it didn't turn into an argument like it usually does. she just told me the stories about how my dad was before, and i'm really disappointed. since, whenever my mom would tell me. i would deny that my dad would do such things. now, that i understand everything more. i asked her explanations to why this, why that.  i always thought it was my mom's fault for all those dreadful arguments with my dad in the past, but now i know it isn't completely her fault.
i remember once the arguments started. my dad would go all out; breaking the dishes, antiques shattered, & turning off the electricity. then tried kicking my mom and my siblings out of the house. it was bad. & i would always go to my older sister and brother crying my eyes out and wondering why this was all happening. why is my dad like this? why are they arguing? i was young, i didn't understand at all.
& as i slowly began to grow older. i would sit hearing how the arguments would start, especially during dinner time. it was initiated by my mom who wouldn't keep her mouth shut about things. so i started to blame her. & accused her of being stupid about the nonsense she would say about my dad cheating. who knew, it was all true. also, how abusive my dad was to her and my siblings. he would always choose his own side of the family over his self-made one. he bruised up my mom because of them. & i lost my first older brother because of them. never realizing that they were just using him. finally, after our second house got bankrupted, & they didn't help for crap. it took that to open his eyes that they really are not there for him.
there's also... this story about my brother. i wasn't born yet. but we were living in apartments back then. my mom was driving with my brother in the backseat but he couldn't stop crying because his tooth was hurting. so my mom lost focus on the road to tell my brother to "stop crying, it's okay when we get home." unfortunately, the police trailed her, and marked her down for a ticket. she came home, and told my dad about the news. he got furious; started to kick my brother like a ball where he was huddled in a corner taking blows from my dad. confused, to as why he was getting beat for. it took my older sister to come in and stop him. otherwise, i think he would've been beaten up to death considering that fact that my brother was small... he was only two and a half... three? she asked my dad why was he hitting him? & then picked up my brother and carried him to her room. all this for a ticket... really?
& know.... how my ribs stick out? its because... when i was younger... i had a habit of crying nonstop before i would sleep. it angered my dad one day. so he hit my ribcage. & my mom noticed that my rib bones started to stick out. she got frightened so she took me to the hospital to see if i was okay. i'm okay.
ugh, there's soo much more... im just... trying to absorb it all in. but, wow foreals? what the heck, dad. :(
now, i'm starting to understand why my mom is the way she is. she's crazy. but all the craziness that was bestowed on her was from hurt. hurt, by my own dad. & she would always be strong as she could be, trying hard to keep everything to herself. sucking it in. so my dad wouldn't be mad... so he wouldn't leave... to provide for my siblings, for us to become something in life.
so, mom. i love you. i'm sorry for being a horrible daughter. for arguing with you. being disrespectful. i didn't mean to. anger just gets the best of me, sometimes. but despite that, you're truly a great mom. thank you for everything. <3