letter: day 13 part II.

Someone you wish could forgive you.. TBC.

Dear Linda Doan,

Awh shit. This recently came in my head like... 5 minutes ago, man. Lol. Jk. Actually, this has been weighing my chest for quite some time now. Maybe for a little over a year or two.. three? There has been series of times where I wanted to message you via facebook, aim, etc. to tell you how sorry I've been. After finishing my message tho.. I always get stuck pressing the "enter/send" button, cause I'm thinking... fck, it's been how long now? Who am I to intrude on your life when I've been out of it for so long? Plus, stumbling across your tumblr one time, it seems that you have a good sense of direction of where you're going with life & content with where you're at which I am delighted to notice that you are.

7th/8th grade was it? Met through Annie in a chatroom, we became pretty close. Stupid close. Talked on the phone and aim about random shit. Did random shit together. Eventually, our solid friendship grew short after that one sour incident occurred between us, huh? Though, who's to blame for it? I guess I can partially claim guilty. It was my fault for not clarifying with you about the movies... I should've done so before. However, I never would have thought that you out of all people would talk behind my back & bring this situation to something so public such as myspace. Looking back... I have to say... it was foolish of me for being as angry as I was, especially if you weren't necessarily talking shit. Though, I took it for something more. I guess it upset me so much cause before meeting you & being reunited with my bestfriend Annie. I was kinna the odd one out in elementary school you know? I loved to have fun, I like to crack jokes, I was pretty immature, pretty stupid... maybe even annoying af. But heeey, what can you expect a kid to feel when you got recess? aha The only one that understand my humor, the way I was is my bestfriend & a couple of others. Unfortunately, everyone whom I was close to decides to move away incoming 6th grade. There were a couple of new students, new girls, who I thought were genuinely nice people. Found out that it was now all about "fitting in" and not standing out. I befriended them, & they seemed to be very welcoming until I discovered their ulterior motives for being friends with me which was only to use me for my kindness. Basically I got my first dose of what "backstabbing" feels like & I gotta say, it didn't feel good. It hurt. What did I do to make them hate me as much as they did?

Then coming across that myspace page of yours to see that you were angry of me, it kinda opened up an old wound. Cause, all I can think about is... "this girl is talking about me & thinks I wouldn't find out or what?"  From then on, I began resenting you... and seeing how clingy and close you were with our friendship, made my resentment grow. Even though.. we tried to talk it out, I don't know.. I guess I couldn't settle my emotions out. I wanted to pull back on everything so I don't have to go through the same bullshit with fake friends who would just talk behind my back over some misunderstanding & not with me about it. These negative feelings I had toward you went all bad cause I held it for so long. Over time I realized that it was completely pointless & I was definitely selfish. I didn't even think about how you felt after our tight friendship came to an end. I know I must've hurt you really bad. Probably gave you your own negative experience that you'd rather not look back on. I was a stupid friend for not taking the time to reflect on as to why I was in such midst of heat. Now I just wanna let it all go. What's the point anymore? We're both totally different people. We've grown. We're wiser. We know more.

All I have to say is that, I'm extremely sorry for everything. I'm honestly glad to see that you found your true self along the way--what interests you, & developed a good circle of friends. The smile I gave you on Monday at the office was absolutely sincere. Thank you for being such an awesome friend before. I know it can't be the same since we're obviously different. But I hope we can start a new beginning from now on. Congratulations on everything you've accomplished. I'm proud of you girl. (: