a girl like me?

current mood: morose.
current song: big bang - lies.

-------

guys that pursued me the in the past, i always ask them the question as to "why do you like me?" they all tell me the same qualities, that i'm different from other girls. they admire the person that i am. i'm pretty, funny, nice, outgoing, understandable... etc. i never believed it. i still don't. it confuses me sometimes. i never seen myself as someone special. when i look in the mirror, i just see another girl. my friends, always interested their time on finding boyfriends and pursuing crushes. while i distanced myself from it cos i felt like it would pull me back from enjoying life and i had a fear of being heart-broken. however, after watching various asian drama series... it made me wonder, as to what was it like... to be in love? how come, they make it seem so good.. so easy.
i'm the type that usually goes with the flow. my motto always is, whatever happens, happens. so, when my first relationship occurred, it was really unexpected for me. since i never focused my time on finding someone. i took my time with it & had my guard up since i was aware of how bad his past relationships were. i wasn't open to the idea of being in love yet. once i was... i really thought we would last for awhile. but, i guess it was all just an act. almost a month later, he goes and cheats on me. i felt, betrayed, resentful, and confused. my guard was fully down, and he takes advantage of it by doing something as low as this. i just wanted to be alone. i ended it. after the incident, he continuously admits on what he's done was wrong. he told me, he didn't want to lose me & the chances of finding another girl like me again isn't possible. i thought that was just the stupidest thing to say. cos, in this big world, there's always going to be someone better than me. he became so persistent on getting me back, and eventually i opened the door for him again; one last chance.
things were good for awhile. i was happy on the amount of effort he put in to better himself. but, all good things come to end sooner or later right? he eventually reverted back to his old self. putting him, before anyone else. i got tired of every promise made only to be broken again. we officially ended, in a period of 1 year & a half. once we ended, i was informed that he had already moved on the same day. it was a big slap in my face, since it was clear, that he had no consideration towards our relationship or my feelings. i hated him. but, i hated myself cos i wasn't able to let go just yet. i needed closure, and a couple of months later, i received it. i thought everything was cool between us, & we can end on good terms as friends.
little did i know, it was just another act. his current girlfriend had a problem with me. & once i knew the reason. it was over a lie. he turned the story around to me. all his faults were mine. he was still the same, just out there for himself. so, i let everything go between us. i realize that people like that aren't worth a time a day. & they are really a sad excuse of a man.
currently in my life, there's this guy who's simply amazing. he's been there for me as long as i can remember. i really like him, alot. it continues to grow day by day that i feel incapably vulnerable at times. i admire the fact that i be my true self around him, he understands me. i'd tell him just about anything and everything. good or bad, he always has the right things to say. he gives me support, makes me smile/laugh, & treats me like a princess. i'm truly grateful to have him. there hasn't been a single thing that he's done wrong, he really is the best i've had. it's nearly a month, though, i feel so secure. i'm starting to believe that he just might be too good for me. actually... i know he is. he would tell me the same... about everything, how i'm the "perfect girlfriend." cos i understand him. however, i just think he's still denying all of my flaws. it really hasn't gotten to him cos his patience hasn't thinned out yet.
lately... i've been fucking up. i made him frustrated, sad, and upset on a number of occasions. i never meant to do it intentionally... but it happened & i regret it more than anything. i acted the wrong way, i said the wrong things... we made up for it. he tries to reassure me that it's not my fault. when its obvious that it is. i feel like a failure cos i am clearly far from the title that he bestowed onto me. i try to be the best that i can be, but it's all just a lie. actually, when you look at it, i'm a bad girlfriend. i'm arrogant to my own actions. & i'm sorry. even though, i still think my apologies aren't enough.
he really is a one in a millionth guy. i still wonder why. how did a guy like him, end up with me?

cause you're a one in a millionth girl :]